What's an Authentic Choice?

I’ve asked groups to look back on their lives at the kinds of choices they’ve made that are authentic vs. those that have been inauthentic. I then asked them to compare their sets of answers to clarify what makes for an authentic choice. Their answers have been many and varied, including:
• They put me in the flow and take me into joy vs. pushing the river.
• They come from stopping and letting something come through.
• They’re natural and original like breathing.
• They’re based on values and morals.
• They’re congruent with my highest nature.
• They bring love and beauty to others.
• They use my skills.
• They’re live-giving.
• They align my mind, heart and belly.
• They honor the values of others, including non-human others.
• They’re more heart than head.
• They’re passionate.
• They’re in alignment with what’s internally true, based on my mind, heart and belly. In contrast, they are not based on cultural norms. Making these choices may result in feeling awkward in unsupportive environments. (Being authentic requires knowing how we’re different from cultural norms.)
• They don’t require knowing why we want or don’t want to do something.

While these answers ring reasonable and true, I believe that authentic choices not only align with what’s true in my mind, heart and belly, but they also take into account the surrounding environment. Without necessarily adhering to cultural norms, they include an awareness of and accounting for what’s happening culturally. They include awareness of and accounting for what’s happening beyond what can be sensed through our eyes, ears, skin, nose and taste buds. They include not only what happened in the past, but what the future holds. In other words, authentic choices are made inside a larger context.

This does not mean that when we make an authentic choice, we know all the factors, visible and invisible, that go into our choices. I agree with the last bullet above where authentic choices don’t require knowing why we want or don’t want to do something. Yet, the most authentic choices are felt to be unarguably true deep within our bones.

I believe that authentic choices can only come from authentic presence, In future blogs, I want to explore how do we cultivate that kind of presence.

What choices are not necessarily authentic?

If I choose to do something purely to get it done, I may be productive. If I choose to do something to keep busy, my actions may successfully respond to the proverb “idle hands are the devil’s playground.” If I choose to do something because I know I can do it fast, I may prove that I’m efficient. If I choose to do something because I know I can do it well, I may prove my competence. In no case, however, am I necessarily choosing authentically.
If I choose to do something because it’s the way we always do it in this family, I may be following tradition loyally. If I choose to avoid the “wrong kind of people,” I may be a good boy or girl. If I choose to work hard and rise up through professional ranks to a more and more responsible position, I may garner a reputation that brings me respect and admiration. If I choose to increase my knowledge of a particular field of study, I may become an expert. In no case, however, am I necessarily choosing authentically.
If I choose to follow the wisdom of sages or practices of spiritual traditions, I may become adept and feel spiritual. Yet, I still might not be choosing authentically.
So if choosing authentically is not necessarily any of these choices, what is it? That’s what we’ll go into in our next blog.

What makes authentic choices important?

Why can't we choose to do things because they're quick, they're well-done, or they're meaningful?
What are the advantages of making authentic choices in contrast to the quickest, the best and the most meaningful? . . .

Election Day Choices

It’s election day. Polls are just beginning to close back East There’s buzz in the air. The country is choosing its next president. States are deciding who to put in Congress and which ballot initiatives to pass. Will we as a country and individual states make authentic choices?

According to my four levels model, the answer is No. The choice will be complex, but not authentic. My model applies more easily to individual choices. At the country level, what's authentic is dependent on what we value. If, for instance, we value the conservative policies of John McCain, only his winning would be authentic. The opposite is true for those who value what Barack Obama stands for.

In the end, an authentic choice is quite subjective.

Making Authentic Choices Amidst Family Dynamics

These thoughts come fresh from a family visit where my 90-year-old mother, four sisters and I rented a house for a long weekend in the small town of Eagles Mere, Pennsylvania.

Have you ever visited your family as an adult and resorted to behavior and antics that you thought you’d given up years ago? Even when we resolve beforehand to do things differently, it can happen that we only recall the resolution after the trip ended. On the other hand, we might be proud to be one of the lucky ones who successfully follow through with trying on new behaviors only to have our family soundly reject the new me.

If any of these scenarios sound familiar, you’re not alone. Most of us either succumb to the family patterns we played so easily or go overboard in our efforts to forge new ways of behaving with our families. In the first case, we might leave feeling guilt about defaulting to the familiar. In the second case, our efforts at differentiating ourselves are rarely appreciated by those who count on us to act a certain way. Rarely does either scenario satisfy us. We then feel justified in shrugging our shoulders and trying to postpone another trip back as long as we can.

Confusion originates when we don’t know which inner voice to listen to. If we obey our good boy/girl voice, we’ll reinforce the implicitly agreed-upon family dynamic. If we speak from our contrary voice, we’ll upset that very dynamic. Most of us have adapted either some variation on “doing the right thing” or being rebellious. Many of us play both roles at different times or even from moment-to-moment. (I played the good boy through my first marriage then became a rebel once I divorced.)

There comes a time in our lives, however, when we realize that neither of these parts is a genuine expression of who we really are. While both may have aspects of truth that ring somewhat true, from neither part can we make authentic choices. To speak with our own adult voice and truly make authentic choices requires finding a voice that’s beneath both.

During this family vacation, my oldest sister, Jane, started spontaneously calling me Charles. This shocked me since I’d never been anything but Charley in the family. Around about the fifth time she said it, I asked her about it. She hadn’t even noticed the switch herself, but quickly added, “Well, I guess you’re an adult now.”

It wasn’t that I hadn’t been an adult—after all, I’m in my fifth decade—but calling me Charles may have marked another voice. This voice differed from the nice guy that did the right thing. This voice also differed from the one that readily—and almost gleefully—stood smugly apart from my family to claim a precious uniqueness. This Charles voice came from somewhere beyond either role. While it may not sound so different in our own throats and mouths, the truth lies inside others’ spontaneous response to it. We may scratch our heads wondering not only where it came from, but how it got here. And yet, with committed practice, I believe that this more authentic voice can be cultivated to be a regular part of our daily being, doing and choosing.

For those of you interested in exploring this concept further, here are some questions to consider: Which of these voices is your primary default in your family, the pleaser or the rebel? Where did each of them play out? Beneath either of these parts, what does your deeper, more authentic voice sound like? What does it say? What reactions have you received from expressing it?

Choosing with Body Knowing

Have you ever been surprised to see yourself lurch towards something or pull away from someone?
Have you been embarrassed, shocked or amused by these unbidden impulses?

Many of us have tried to control these impulses and there's certainly a place for inhibiting impulses in any civilized society. And yet, I contend that our choices become more authentic as we include more awareness of these bodily impulses. Why? Our bodies "house" our unconscious impulses and desires. When we learn to access our whole body, we tap into that unconscious knowing. This body knowing offers us access to wisdom that, though often different from more familiar thinking patterns, may lead to making authentic choices, albeit more surprising.

Self-Reflection Questions

Stepping towards making authentic choices begins with a self-assessment of your own patterns around making choices. The more we know about how we currently make choices, the more we can both honor what we know we're doing and change our patterns to deepen our authenticity. Given that, what follows is a list of questions to ask yourself about the choices you've made and how you made them.

A. History with Making Choice
a. Growing up
i. Who made the decisions growing up?
ii. When did you begin making your own choices?
b. Memorable choices
i. What were your most authentic choices? Why?
ii. What were your most inauthentic choices? Why?
iii. What’s the difference between these sets of choices?
iv. What “results’” confirm authenticity or not?

B. Making Authentic Choices
a. What are your criteria for making authentic choices?
b. How do you know in the moment when your choice is authentic?
i. What goes on in your mind?
ii. What do you feel in your heart?
iii. What does your gut do?
iv. How else do you know?
c. What motives are behind your authentic choices?
d. What are the benefits of soulful choices?

C. Making Inauthentic Choices
a. What are the costs of making inauthentic choices?
b. For the sake of what do you compromise your authenticity?
c. Under what circumstances will you not compromise? Why not?

D. Process for Making Choices
a. Who do you consult? Friends? Family? Experts? Inner Guides?
b. What do you consult? Tarot? YJ? Google? Books?
c. What less conscious influences may affect your choices?
d. What’s your pace for making choices?
i. Do you mull or decide quickly?
ii. How does your pace differ based on the circumstances?