Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.) Walt Whitman
Before making choices we often consider all kinds of perspectives, not only the opinions of others, but inside our own minds. While Whitman’s celebrated inclusiveness is expansive and open-armed, when we’re called to make a significant choice, how do we work with our multitude of inner voices? Which voice rings true from our deepest and highest knowing?
Is it the loudest most persistent voice because it’s power is obvious? Or is the “still, small voice,” pointed to by spiritual traditions, the one advocating the most authentic choice? Do we listen to the voice that sounds mature and authoritative? Or do we honor the enthusiastic voice of youthful innocence that incites our sense of adventure to try new things? As we age, does one voice begin to trump the other?
While the psychological sophistication that many of us have honed over years of personal growth work has offered us many boons, making choices simply is not usually one of them. Discovering what’s authentic at any given moment amidst the cacophony of our multitudes may be more complex and muddled.
Conventional wisdom in business leans on sophisticated analytical models to work through the complexity. These models step directly into the jungle to untangle it. Those of us with facile minds might find this more rational and linear approach helpful.
The spiritually inclined would quickly shy away from those methods. Instead, this group might favor an enlightened system of thinking or form of devotion to overlay on the particular circumstances they’re facing.
While each of these approaches and the various options in between offer benefits, our souls might have none of either, which returns us to Walt Whitman’s bold claim, “Very well then I contradict myself.”
But is that all we’re left with? Or are there other approaches that might carry us above, beneath and beyond our contradictions. In future blogs, I will address the three possibilities of stepping above, digging beneath and moving beyond our multitudes.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Sources of Info to Help Choose
There are many sources of information to help us make choices. The most obvious include the abundance of information available over the Internet. Its ready availability allows us to access the expert and the historical, the contrary and the consoling, the sacred and the profane. While many of these sources offer us their perspectives, suggestions and recommendations, we can quickly become overwhelmed if we have few criteria from which to make our choices. Knowing what we value can help us choose meaningfully. The more we consciously know what we value, the more quickly we can discern our choice among alternatives. The more often we use these value criteria, the more quickly we can decide.
To make authentic choices—ones that resonate in our bones and souls—we must also have access to internal sources of information. In addition, the more unique and unfamiliar the circumstances within which we must make our choices, the more that inner access becomes necessary. What I mean by inner resources includes what is below thoughts influenced by mainstream culture, our upbringing and social milieu, what speaks through our intuition, what lies quietly inside our unsentimental hearts, and what resonates in our gut.
When we’re buying a new car, for instance, we want to research the relevant resources to help us consider options based on what we value, such as economy, style, status and comfort. Well-researched options can take us a long way towards making an effective, efficient and meaningful choice. I contend, however that making an authentic choice requires tapping inner resources to confirm that the information that help us choose one model over others resonates with our innermost being.
Many approaches can help us make authentic choices. One of the more frequent of these is talking candidly with those who know us well. Inside these friendships and relationships, we can express opinions, try on different options, listen to suggestions and mull aloud. We also risk reinforcing habitual choices and behaviors that may unknowingly limit our freedom to consider a larger spectrum of possibilities. When buying a car, that kind of limitation may not be significant. When making choices that may dramatically affect our life direction, however, this limitation can prove significant. Under unfamiliar circumstances, we might consider exploring other ways of gathering information, especially information that is inside our own minds, hearts and bellies.
These approaches include using divining devices to tap into not only our intuitive knowing, but collective wisdom around our particular circumstances. The I Ching, for instance, offers a well-defined map of the archetypal terrain within which we can learn where inside that terrain we stand. The 64 hexagrams and 384 changing lines can describe many different scenarios that can give us a more objective overview of our circumstances.
They also include tapping inner resources through hypnotherapy, dream work, Jung’s active imagination process and dialogue journal writing. In these approaches, we discover that we're more complex than what we, at first, appear to be. In our multiplicity, we have voices that sometimes conflict with one another, parts that annoy and sabotage other parts and aspects of ourselves that, though we don't know much about them, influence our daily lives to get what they want at the expense of the rest of ourselves.
To make authentic choices—ones that resonate in our bones and souls—we must also have access to internal sources of information. In addition, the more unique and unfamiliar the circumstances within which we must make our choices, the more that inner access becomes necessary. What I mean by inner resources includes what is below thoughts influenced by mainstream culture, our upbringing and social milieu, what speaks through our intuition, what lies quietly inside our unsentimental hearts, and what resonates in our gut.
When we’re buying a new car, for instance, we want to research the relevant resources to help us consider options based on what we value, such as economy, style, status and comfort. Well-researched options can take us a long way towards making an effective, efficient and meaningful choice. I contend, however that making an authentic choice requires tapping inner resources to confirm that the information that help us choose one model over others resonates with our innermost being.
Many approaches can help us make authentic choices. One of the more frequent of these is talking candidly with those who know us well. Inside these friendships and relationships, we can express opinions, try on different options, listen to suggestions and mull aloud. We also risk reinforcing habitual choices and behaviors that may unknowingly limit our freedom to consider a larger spectrum of possibilities. When buying a car, that kind of limitation may not be significant. When making choices that may dramatically affect our life direction, however, this limitation can prove significant. Under unfamiliar circumstances, we might consider exploring other ways of gathering information, especially information that is inside our own minds, hearts and bellies.
These approaches include using divining devices to tap into not only our intuitive knowing, but collective wisdom around our particular circumstances. The I Ching, for instance, offers a well-defined map of the archetypal terrain within which we can learn where inside that terrain we stand. The 64 hexagrams and 384 changing lines can describe many different scenarios that can give us a more objective overview of our circumstances.
They also include tapping inner resources through hypnotherapy, dream work, Jung’s active imagination process and dialogue journal writing. In these approaches, we discover that we're more complex than what we, at first, appear to be. In our multiplicity, we have voices that sometimes conflict with one another, parts that annoy and sabotage other parts and aspects of ourselves that, though we don't know much about them, influence our daily lives to get what they want at the expense of the rest of ourselves.
Friday, January 16, 2009
What's an Authentic Choice?
I’ve asked groups to look back on their lives at the kinds of choices they’ve made that are authentic vs. those that have been inauthentic. I then asked them to compare their sets of answers to clarify what makes for an authentic choice. Their answers have been many and varied, including:
• They put me in the flow and take me into joy vs. pushing the river.
• They come from stopping and letting something come through.
• They’re natural and original like breathing.
• They’re based on values and morals.
• They’re congruent with my highest nature.
• They bring love and beauty to others.
• They use my skills.
• They’re live-giving.
• They align my mind, heart and belly.
• They honor the values of others, including non-human others.
• They’re more heart than head.
• They’re passionate.
• They’re in alignment with what’s internally true, based on my mind, heart and belly. In contrast, they are not based on cultural norms. Making these choices may result in feeling awkward in unsupportive environments. (Being authentic requires knowing how we’re different from cultural norms.)
• They don’t require knowing why we want or don’t want to do something.
While these answers ring reasonable and true, I believe that authentic choices not only align with what’s true in my mind, heart and belly, but they also take into account the surrounding environment. Without necessarily adhering to cultural norms, they include an awareness of and accounting for what’s happening culturally. They include awareness of and accounting for what’s happening beyond what can be sensed through our eyes, ears, skin, nose and taste buds. They include not only what happened in the past, but what the future holds. In other words, authentic choices are made inside a larger context.
This does not mean that when we make an authentic choice, we know all the factors, visible and invisible, that go into our choices. I agree with the last bullet above where authentic choices don’t require knowing why we want or don’t want to do something. Yet, the most authentic choices are felt to be unarguably true deep within our bones.
I believe that authentic choices can only come from authentic presence, In future blogs, I want to explore how do we cultivate that kind of presence.
• They put me in the flow and take me into joy vs. pushing the river.
• They come from stopping and letting something come through.
• They’re natural and original like breathing.
• They’re based on values and morals.
• They’re congruent with my highest nature.
• They bring love and beauty to others.
• They use my skills.
• They’re live-giving.
• They align my mind, heart and belly.
• They honor the values of others, including non-human others.
• They’re more heart than head.
• They’re passionate.
• They’re in alignment with what’s internally true, based on my mind, heart and belly. In contrast, they are not based on cultural norms. Making these choices may result in feeling awkward in unsupportive environments. (Being authentic requires knowing how we’re different from cultural norms.)
• They don’t require knowing why we want or don’t want to do something.
While these answers ring reasonable and true, I believe that authentic choices not only align with what’s true in my mind, heart and belly, but they also take into account the surrounding environment. Without necessarily adhering to cultural norms, they include an awareness of and accounting for what’s happening culturally. They include awareness of and accounting for what’s happening beyond what can be sensed through our eyes, ears, skin, nose and taste buds. They include not only what happened in the past, but what the future holds. In other words, authentic choices are made inside a larger context.
This does not mean that when we make an authentic choice, we know all the factors, visible and invisible, that go into our choices. I agree with the last bullet above where authentic choices don’t require knowing why we want or don’t want to do something. Yet, the most authentic choices are felt to be unarguably true deep within our bones.
I believe that authentic choices can only come from authentic presence, In future blogs, I want to explore how do we cultivate that kind of presence.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
What choices are not necessarily authentic?
If I choose to do something purely to get it done, I may be productive. If I choose to do something to keep busy, my actions may successfully respond to the proverb “idle hands are the devil’s playground.” If I choose to do something because I know I can do it fast, I may prove that I’m efficient. If I choose to do something because I know I can do it well, I may prove my competence. In no case, however, am I necessarily choosing authentically.
If I choose to do something because it’s the way we always do it in this family, I may be following tradition loyally. If I choose to avoid the “wrong kind of people,” I may be a good boy or girl. If I choose to work hard and rise up through professional ranks to a more and more responsible position, I may garner a reputation that brings me respect and admiration. If I choose to increase my knowledge of a particular field of study, I may become an expert. In no case, however, am I necessarily choosing authentically.
If I choose to follow the wisdom of sages or practices of spiritual traditions, I may become adept and feel spiritual. Yet, I still might not be choosing authentically.
So if choosing authentically is not necessarily any of these choices, what is it? That’s what we’ll go into in our next blog.
If I choose to do something because it’s the way we always do it in this family, I may be following tradition loyally. If I choose to avoid the “wrong kind of people,” I may be a good boy or girl. If I choose to work hard and rise up through professional ranks to a more and more responsible position, I may garner a reputation that brings me respect and admiration. If I choose to increase my knowledge of a particular field of study, I may become an expert. In no case, however, am I necessarily choosing authentically.
If I choose to follow the wisdom of sages or practices of spiritual traditions, I may become adept and feel spiritual. Yet, I still might not be choosing authentically.
So if choosing authentically is not necessarily any of these choices, what is it? That’s what we’ll go into in our next blog.
Friday, November 21, 2008
What makes authentic choices important?
Why can't we choose to do things because they're quick, they're well-done, or they're meaningful?
What are the advantages of making authentic choices in contrast to the quickest, the best and the most meaningful? . . .
What are the advantages of making authentic choices in contrast to the quickest, the best and the most meaningful? . . .
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Election Day Choices
It’s election day. Polls are just beginning to close back East There’s buzz in the air. The country is choosing its next president. States are deciding who to put in Congress and which ballot initiatives to pass. Will we as a country and individual states make authentic choices?
According to my four levels model, the answer is No. The choice will be complex, but not authentic. My model applies more easily to individual choices. At the country level, what's authentic is dependent on what we value. If, for instance, we value the conservative policies of John McCain, only his winning would be authentic. The opposite is true for those who value what Barack Obama stands for.
In the end, an authentic choice is quite subjective.
According to my four levels model, the answer is No. The choice will be complex, but not authentic. My model applies more easily to individual choices. At the country level, what's authentic is dependent on what we value. If, for instance, we value the conservative policies of John McCain, only his winning would be authentic. The opposite is true for those who value what Barack Obama stands for.
In the end, an authentic choice is quite subjective.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Making Authentic Choices Amidst Family Dynamics
These thoughts come fresh from a family visit where my 90-year-old mother, four sisters and I rented a house for a long weekend in the small town of Eagles Mere, Pennsylvania.
Have you ever visited your family as an adult and resorted to behavior and antics that you thought you’d given up years ago? Even when we resolve beforehand to do things differently, it can happen that we only recall the resolution after the trip ended. On the other hand, we might be proud to be one of the lucky ones who successfully follow through with trying on new behaviors only to have our family soundly reject the new me.
If any of these scenarios sound familiar, you’re not alone. Most of us either succumb to the family patterns we played so easily or go overboard in our efforts to forge new ways of behaving with our families. In the first case, we might leave feeling guilt about defaulting to the familiar. In the second case, our efforts at differentiating ourselves are rarely appreciated by those who count on us to act a certain way. Rarely does either scenario satisfy us. We then feel justified in shrugging our shoulders and trying to postpone another trip back as long as we can.
Confusion originates when we don’t know which inner voice to listen to. If we obey our good boy/girl voice, we’ll reinforce the implicitly agreed-upon family dynamic. If we speak from our contrary voice, we’ll upset that very dynamic. Most of us have adapted either some variation on “doing the right thing” or being rebellious. Many of us play both roles at different times or even from moment-to-moment. (I played the good boy through my first marriage then became a rebel once I divorced.)
There comes a time in our lives, however, when we realize that neither of these parts is a genuine expression of who we really are. While both may have aspects of truth that ring somewhat true, from neither part can we make authentic choices. To speak with our own adult voice and truly make authentic choices requires finding a voice that’s beneath both.
During this family vacation, my oldest sister, Jane, started spontaneously calling me Charles. This shocked me since I’d never been anything but Charley in the family. Around about the fifth time she said it, I asked her about it. She hadn’t even noticed the switch herself, but quickly added, “Well, I guess you’re an adult now.”
It wasn’t that I hadn’t been an adult—after all, I’m in my fifth decade—but calling me Charles may have marked another voice. This voice differed from the nice guy that did the right thing. This voice also differed from the one that readily—and almost gleefully—stood smugly apart from my family to claim a precious uniqueness. This Charles voice came from somewhere beyond either role. While it may not sound so different in our own throats and mouths, the truth lies inside others’ spontaneous response to it. We may scratch our heads wondering not only where it came from, but how it got here. And yet, with committed practice, I believe that this more authentic voice can be cultivated to be a regular part of our daily being, doing and choosing.
For those of you interested in exploring this concept further, here are some questions to consider: Which of these voices is your primary default in your family, the pleaser or the rebel? Where did each of them play out? Beneath either of these parts, what does your deeper, more authentic voice sound like? What does it say? What reactions have you received from expressing it?
Have you ever visited your family as an adult and resorted to behavior and antics that you thought you’d given up years ago? Even when we resolve beforehand to do things differently, it can happen that we only recall the resolution after the trip ended. On the other hand, we might be proud to be one of the lucky ones who successfully follow through with trying on new behaviors only to have our family soundly reject the new me.
If any of these scenarios sound familiar, you’re not alone. Most of us either succumb to the family patterns we played so easily or go overboard in our efforts to forge new ways of behaving with our families. In the first case, we might leave feeling guilt about defaulting to the familiar. In the second case, our efforts at differentiating ourselves are rarely appreciated by those who count on us to act a certain way. Rarely does either scenario satisfy us. We then feel justified in shrugging our shoulders and trying to postpone another trip back as long as we can.
Confusion originates when we don’t know which inner voice to listen to. If we obey our good boy/girl voice, we’ll reinforce the implicitly agreed-upon family dynamic. If we speak from our contrary voice, we’ll upset that very dynamic. Most of us have adapted either some variation on “doing the right thing” or being rebellious. Many of us play both roles at different times or even from moment-to-moment. (I played the good boy through my first marriage then became a rebel once I divorced.)
There comes a time in our lives, however, when we realize that neither of these parts is a genuine expression of who we really are. While both may have aspects of truth that ring somewhat true, from neither part can we make authentic choices. To speak with our own adult voice and truly make authentic choices requires finding a voice that’s beneath both.
During this family vacation, my oldest sister, Jane, started spontaneously calling me Charles. This shocked me since I’d never been anything but Charley in the family. Around about the fifth time she said it, I asked her about it. She hadn’t even noticed the switch herself, but quickly added, “Well, I guess you’re an adult now.”
It wasn’t that I hadn’t been an adult—after all, I’m in my fifth decade—but calling me Charles may have marked another voice. This voice differed from the nice guy that did the right thing. This voice also differed from the one that readily—and almost gleefully—stood smugly apart from my family to claim a precious uniqueness. This Charles voice came from somewhere beyond either role. While it may not sound so different in our own throats and mouths, the truth lies inside others’ spontaneous response to it. We may scratch our heads wondering not only where it came from, but how it got here. And yet, with committed practice, I believe that this more authentic voice can be cultivated to be a regular part of our daily being, doing and choosing.
For those of you interested in exploring this concept further, here are some questions to consider: Which of these voices is your primary default in your family, the pleaser or the rebel? Where did each of them play out? Beneath either of these parts, what does your deeper, more authentic voice sound like? What does it say? What reactions have you received from expressing it?
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